13 Jokes to enjoy from: www.usageorge.com 1: Blonde Jokes / You Got Mail A man is mowing his yard when his attractive blond neighbor comes out the house and goes to the mailbox and opens it. Then she closes it really hard. A few minutes later she came out again went to her mailbox opens it then closes it even harder and went back in. A couple minutes went by and he saw her come out again open her mailbox and close it even harder than before. She was walking back to her house when he said is there a problem. She said there certainely is, my dumb computer keeps saying you got mail. 2: SUCCESS: >> At age 4 success is ..... not peeing in your pants. >> At age 12 success is . . . having friends. >> At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. >> At age 20 success is . ... having sex. >> At age 35 success is . . . having money. >> At age 50 success is .. . having money. >> At age 60 success is . ... having sex. >> At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. >> At age 75 success is . . . having friends. >> At age 80 success is . ... not peeing in your pants. 3: Hunting Flies A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone. 4: Blonde Jokes Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump" The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Homer took the money. 5: Time for some male bashing..... (For a change)... Q: What is the difference between men and puppies? A: Puppies grow up. Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces? A: Because they are... Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles? A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever. Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first? A: Who cares?????..... Q: What did God say after he created man? A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!. Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ? A: I don't know, I've never seen either. Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? A: i) no mind ii) no business Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions . Q: What is the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink... Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving. Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift? A: Exchange him!! Q: Why do men like smart women? A: Opposites attract. 6: Blonde Jokes A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No.. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times. 7: mental patients Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the one you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" 8: tragic accident: Gander NLFD (CP) Canada's worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. 9: Four kinds of sex: The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you keep doing it until you're blue in the face. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!" 10: Only great minds can read this fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it 11: Little Johnny A primary school teacher asked her students to use the word ""FASCINATE"" in a sentence. Molly put her hand up and said, "My family went to my grandfather's farm and saw his pet sheep. It was FASCINATING." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ""FASCINATE"", not FASCINATING." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see the new Harry Potter film and I was FASCINATED." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ""FASCINATE"". Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ""FASCINATE"", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only ""FASTEN EIGHT"". The teacher sat down and cried... 12: Eddie Eddie, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?' The prostitute replies, 'Well Eddie, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.' 'Three knots?' he asks. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?' She says, ‘You’re knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back. 13 :POPSICLE The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted. A few moments passed... "An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson 's have company", he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike....." A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving" "Jason is on his skate board...." A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too www.usageorge.com